Is this the dumbest thief ever?

The Son left the garage door open one night. In crept a thief – a hungry thief, who ate a Fibre One Bar from a shelf where the Family kept extra food. He took four longbows, several arrows, some tools, and two boxes of Fibre Ones. The thing that annoyed the Son most of all was that he discovered a pair of brand new work boots in a box on a high shelf, took off his shabby runners and had the cheek to leave them instead. Then he discovered the keys. In front of the garage door, on the driveway, was a pickup truck on blocks, behind it a newer model Subaru. Inside the car, he found the Son’s wallet (with all they usually contain – i.e. credit cards) and three unopened envelopes containing paychecks. All these things, wallet, envelopes, and a set of keys, he took the trouble to put in separate baggies and laid them in the back of the pickup, which he then attempted to start. I repeat, it was up on blocks as if it was being worked on, which it was! And there was a car behind it, blocking it in! The Family knew he had attempted to start it because he left the keys in the ignition.

What happened next? All the Family knew was what was captured on a neighbour’s camera. He took one of the Son’s bicycles, grappling with the four bows, arrows and tools, leaving the wallet, paychecks and keys in the back of the pickup, fell off the bike when the chain came off a short way down the street, walked back past the house he had just robbed, found another bike from somewhere and made off with his ill-gotten gains.

It has to be admitted that apart from the Son, the rest of the Family had a good laugh about it all. Even the cop had a chuckle about the stolen work boots.

(Names have not been included to protect the innocent.)

The White Rajah by Tom Williams

A fictionalised account of true events

In his early thirties, James Brooke retired from the East India Company’s army and is looking for adventure and opportunities in the East. In the 19th century, the Dutch rule trade in the China Sea, but Brooke sees a chance to open trade with Borneo (Malaysia) for the British. The Sultan is at war with rebels and persuades Brooke to lead an army against them. There follows – I can’t call it a battle – it is almost a siege, with the Sultan’s force refusing to engage if there is a risk of death to any of the men. (This was a time when there were still headhunters in Borneo and possibly cannibals.) It made for hilarious reading as Brooke struggled to maintain his sanity. Back he goes to the Sultan with the intention of quitting. To persuade him to stay, the Sultan offers him the lordship of Sarawak and later makes him Rajah.

That is just the beginning of James Brooke’s adventures. He has tribal issues to deal with and pirates who create carnage in peaceful villages.

In this action-packed book, the reader will discover a little-known culture. Love interest is provided by the narrator, who is Brooke’s lover and assistant, John Williamson (fictitious). He cringes at cruelty in war and acts the part of Brooke’s conscience.

I noticed that the author described Brooke as ‘tall’ and in the same paragraph ‘of medium height’. As critiques go, it is a minuscule one – the kind of mistake it is so easy to make. All in all, a splendid book, not terrible gruesome, well-researched and well-written. I enjoyed it.

****

Tom Williams used to write books for business. Now he writes novels set in the 19th century that are generally described as fiction but which are often more honest than the business books. (He writes contemporary fantasy as well, but that’s a dark part of his life, so you’ll have to explore that on your own – ideally with a friend and a protective amulet.)

His stories about James Burke (based on a real person) are exciting tales of high adventure and low cunning set around the Napoleonic Wars. The stories have given him the excuse to travel to Argentina, Egypt, and Spain and call it research.

Tom lives in London. His main interest is avoiding doing any honest work and this leaves him with time to ski, skate and dance tango, all of which (before covid) he thought he did quite well. In between he reads old books and spends far too much time looking at ancient weaponry.

Tom’s blogs appear regularly on his website, https://tomwilliamsauthor.co.uk where you can also find details of all his books. You can follow him on Twitter as @TomCW99 or Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/AuthorTomWilliams).